GOSSIP

Computer-savvy Father Shufflebottom uses a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he enters a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer then finds the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replaces it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one. The other day, Father Shufflebottom…

Norman comes home unexpectedly in the middle of the day. He opens the front door and finds his wife Georgia standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded. “What happened here?” he asks astonished. “I think the waterbed busted,” says the trembling wife….

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!”  The lawyer…

A delivery man was driving along in his smart grey van, but every mile or so he stopped, got out and banged its sides with a mallet. The policeman followed him for a while, then stopped the van by the roadside and asked the driver what he thought he was playing at. “Well, it’s like…

Caller: “Since I have installed Windows 10, Office crashes constantly.” Hotline: “Yes, we had the same problem here.” Caller: “And what did you do?” Hotline: “We have installed Windows 10 again.” Caller: “OK, then I’ll do it now.” An hour later the Caller is back: “Now the computer isn’t working at all.” Hotline: “Just like…

Teacher: How old is your father? Johnny: He is 6 years old. Teacher: How is this possible? Johnny: He became a father when I was born. *** Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is. Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Maria! *** Teacher: Glenn, how do…

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that…

Years of smoking finally caught up with Kenneth one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and peppered with questions. “Do you smoke?” asked the attending doctor. “No,” Kenneth whispered. “I quit.” “That’s good,” said the doctor approvingly. “When did you quit?” “Around 9:30 this…

One day at school, little Charlie needed to go to the restroom quite urgently. He raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go. “But Miss, I am bursting to go,” said Charlie. “You may go, but after you say the full alphabet,” declared…

Coralee was pregnant with her first child, and her husband Floyd was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Coralee went to her doctor’s appointment, she had some questions. “My husband wants me to ask you something,” Carol began. The doctor interrupted her. “I get asked that question all the time,” he said…