Category: Funny Jokes

I told him I was short sighted. He took me outside and pointed up at the sun. What’s that? I said “it’s the sun”. “How far away is that?” I said “93 million miles”. “How far do you want to see?”

I walked into a rural pub in outback Australia, somewhere in Far North Queensland, and took my place at the bar next to an old timer who had a truly magnificent beard. After a few cold ones, a bit of chat about the local area and the cattle station he worked at, I said to…

He wants a loan, but the loan officer, Patty Mack, is unsure. “Do you have any collateral?”, she asks. The dog gives her a hummel. She doesn’t understand, so she approaches the manager. “Sir, there’s this dog here, and he wants a loan, but all he’s got is this.” and shows him the Hummel. “I…

They are gathering scat samples in a nearby forest for population analysis of recently reintroduced wolves. He tells the students the sampling instructions and to meet him back at the parking lot before dusk, and they go on their way. With the sun setting, the students start returning and scatter across the parking leaving their…

Sven had been a game warden for several years, and was out driving in the countryside, watching for poachers. He hears a shotgun blast, and looks up at a flock of loon, one of them hit and spiraling down to the ground. Sven is shocked, as loon are an endangered species. He quickly drives over…

A guy walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist he needs something to relieve his sore, itchy butt The pharmacist says “it sounds like hemmerhoids.” He hands him a box of 6 suppositories and tells him to use one. If it doesn’t help after an hour then use another.” The guy heads home,…

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.She watched the two of them interact over the course of…

A woman is angry with her husband and says… “My best friend’s husband still flirts with her in public. He touches her and kisses her. They still have s*x all the time. Why can’t you do any of that?” So her husband says “It sounds like he’d be in my way. Besides, I barely know…

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a…

I told my wife, “I won the Leslie Nielsen prize at the office today.” Her: What’s that? Me: It’s a place where people go to work, but that’s not important right now.