The Best Jokes Ever

Joke No 1 : One night a little girl walks in on her parents

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.” The mother has a confused look on her face,

“Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

Joke No 2 :Bill and Marla decided to have Qu!ckie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon qu!ckie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,”he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having s*x.” Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked. “Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Joke 3 : Italian man and Women in World war II

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xu@l favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”.

Joke No 4: Accidentally Bump Women Breast

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

Joke No 5: I want a Puppy

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having s*x.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father “Daddy, what are they doing?” The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says “they’re just making a puppy.” “OK” says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn’t probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents’ room and sees them having s*x. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he’s in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him “Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?” Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says “me and mommy were making a baby.” His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies “flip mommy over, I want a puppy!”

Joke No 6 : A mother is in the kitchen

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have s*x.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his p*nis in the mommy’s v@g!na.

That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s p*nis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Joke No 7: A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s*x for two weeks.”

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?” “Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without s*x for the two weeks,” the young man replied. “What happened?” inquired the pastor. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with !ust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor. “That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Joke No 8: A Male patient just recovered

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a s*x threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my t*st!cles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my t*st!cles black?”

Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my t*st!cles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.

So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his p*nis and t*st!cle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know ‘Are my tests results back?’

Joke No 9: This elderly lady went to the doctor.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had s*x for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s s*x drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him V!@gra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,”

she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something.

Crush the V!@gra into a powder.

When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it.

He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked.

”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best s*x that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

Joke No 10: Steve and his buddies were hanging out

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.

He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

“How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?” “I didn’t have to,” Steve replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing.

Then the ol’ lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,’ So, Here I am!”

Joke No 11 : A young man and his Date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have s*x when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a h00ker and I charge $20 for s*x.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

Joke No 12 : A little boy walks into his Parents

A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. “Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled. “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.”

Joke No 13 : A small boy was awoken by Strange Noises

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.

As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad sh@gging for all they were worth.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”

“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving or@l gr@tification to his father.

“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”

“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

Joke No 14 : A d!ck has a sad life.

A d!ck has a sad life.

His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an @sshole, his bestfriend’s a pu$$y, and his owner beats him.

Joke No 15 : Hung Chow calls in to work

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.” The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me s*x. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.” Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

Joke No 16 : macho man got married

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.

Joke No 17 : An older couple

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about s*x?”

he asked, rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently “, she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”

Joke No 18 :Woman in Elevator

This morning I was beaten up by a bu$ty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs and she said “Press One?”

So I did… I don’t remember much after that.

Joke No 19 : Bobby goes to pick up his date

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?” “Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

Joke No 20 : Morning Pinch for his Wife

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.” The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband’s p*nis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

Joke No 21 :A Mom is driving a little girl

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns.
“It is not polite.”
“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“Those are enough questions, honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks.
“Because you got an F in s*x.

Joke No 22 : A guy went into barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”

The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.” A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?” Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

Joke No 23 : A teacher was teaching

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having s*x with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is scr*wing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!”

Joke No 24 : where do babies come from?

Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

His mother replies, “The stork brings them.”

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who f*cks the stork?”

Joke No 25 : A man was showing off his car to his girlfriend.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?”

he asked. “Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The n@ked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m n@ked and my clothes are gone!” “Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.” Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.

Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!” The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”

Joke No 26 : why did she marry me

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: “Because you are funny.”

Me: “I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?”

Wife: “You see? You’re hilarious.”

Joke No 27 : A housewife takes a lover during the day

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “£750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

Joke No 28 : Practical thought:

A husband is supposed to make his wife’s p@nties wet, not her eyes.

A wife is supposed to make her husband’s d!ck hard, not his life…

Joke No 29 : Three sisters decided to get married

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.
The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”
She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.
“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.
“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”
“You’re absolutely right sweetheart,
”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.
“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.
“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.
“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.
“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”
“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

Joke No 30 : Moral of the Story

Before s*x, you help each other get n@ked.

After s*x, you dress only yourself.

Moral: In life no one helps you once you’re fu*ked.

Joke No 31 : An old football player was dying.

An old football player was dying.
So he called her wife and told her: “My dearest you see I’m dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?”
Her spouse said: “Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times:

  1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team.
  2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn’t pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times.
  3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn’t encourage you? I did something…”

Joke No 32 :Every Man needs a Beautiful wife

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, s*xy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.

Joke No 33 :Success is like pregnancy.

Success is like pregnancy.

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fu*ked to achieve it.

Joke No 34 :A lady says to the psychiatrist

A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.”

He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.” She says, “How much for all night?”

Joke No 35 :The wife bought a new see through nighty

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.

Ar0used Husband says, “You look so beautiful and s*xy my darling.”

The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.”

Joke No 36 : A man on a business trip to Las Vegas

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas pr)stitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said “Meet me in room 804 across the street.”
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said “How much for a h@nd job?” She said, “300”.
His eyes popped open and he asked “300?”
She said, “Walk over to that window and open the curtains”.
He proceeded.
“See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn’t inherit it. I’m that good.”
He was like, “well go right ahead honey”.
So she proceeded to give him the best h@nd job he ever had.

After a little rest he thought, if that was that good…”How much for a bl)w job?”
She said “600”. OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
“See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I’m that good.”
He said “Well get to work then sweetie.”
And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

After a little “rebuilding” time he thought, if that was that good… “How much for s*x?”
She chuckled and said, “Honey, I’d own this whole damned town if only I had a pu$$y.”

Joke No 37 : A space ship landed in a farmer’s field

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer’s field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife.
As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to sw@p partners as a token of friendship.
The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer’s wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another.
They had been having s*x for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife, “Well, how do you like having s*x with a Martian? How does it feel?”
The farmer’s wife replied “It needs to be a little bigger around.” So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his p*nis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer’s wife again “How does it feel now?”
The farmer’s wife responded “I think it needs to be a little longer.”
So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his p*nis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife “How was the Martian man?” To this, the farmer’s wife replied “Fine.”
“And how about the Martian woman?”
The farmer replied, “That damn b!tch yanked on my fu*king ears all night long!”

Joke No 38 : This 12 year old boy was in bed

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother m0@ning.

He decided that he’d go see whats wrong with her.

When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed n@ked and rubbing herself and saying, “I need a man, I need a man.”

So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her m0@ning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.

So the boy runs back to his room, str!ps all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying, “I need a bike, I need a bike!!!”

Joke No 39 : S*x is like math

S*x is like math:

Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply.

Joke No 40 : Give it to me!

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Joke No 41 : A guy and female Genie

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.

So, he asks the guy, “How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?” The guy replied, “I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand.

So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie.

She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her.”

“For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,00.”

“For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht.”

“Finally for my third wish, I asked to have s*x with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities.” So, I said, “c’mon, how about a little head?”

Joke No 42 : A store that sells husbands

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?”
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Joke No 43 : Two Italian men get on a bus…

Two Italian men get on a bus…
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our s*x lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta s*xa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Joke No 44 : Woman at a maternity

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, mo@ning.

The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Joke No 45 : Loving parents got into a huge fight

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a “b!tch” and the women called the man a “b@stard”.
Their son walked in and said “What does b!tch and b@stard mean?” and the parents replied “ladies and gentlemen”.
The next day the parents decided to have s*x, the women said “feel my t!tt!es” and the man said “feel my d!ck”.
Their son walked in and asked “What does t!tties and d!ck mean?” and the parents replied “hats and coats”.
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, “Sh!t” he said, the kid came in and asked “What’s that mean” and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, “Fu*k” she said.
Once again the kid asked “What’s that mean” the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang.
The kid answered the door to his relatives and said “Alright you b!tches and b@stards, put your d!cks and t!tt!es in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the sh!t off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fu*king the turkey!

Joke No 46 : A Businessman and his Wife

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her scr*wing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold s*x toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized s*x doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the d!ldos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibr@ting d!ldos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.
“Except what?” asked the businessman.
“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘v00doo d!ck,'” the old man said.
“So what’s up with this v00doo dick?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking d!ldo.
The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fu*king deal. It looks like every other d!ldo in this shop!”
The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “V00doo d!ck, the door.”
The v00doo d!ck rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started scr*wing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, “V00doo d!ck, get back in your box!”
The v00doo d!ck stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”
The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d!ldo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “V00doo d!ck, my pu$$y.”
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably h0rny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the v00doo d!ck. She got it out, and said “V00doo d!ck, my pu$$y!”
The v00doo d!ck shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
After three 0rg@sms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the d!ldo.

On the way, another 0rg@sm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a v00doo d!ck was stuck in her pu$$y, and wouldn’t stop scr*wing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. V00doo d!ck, my @ss!”

Joke No 47 : A husband and Wife new Password

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, “Myp*nis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

Joke No 48 : A girl and Grandma

A girl was a pr0$titute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of pr0$titute at a s*x party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the pr0$titute line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her.
“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the pr0$titute.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

Joke No 49 : He still have S*X three Times a Night.

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have s*x three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have s*x with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.”

So they go back to her place and have great s*x.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better s*x. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my d!ck in your right hand.”
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better s*x.
Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best s*x yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my D!ck in your right hand.”
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing.

Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your d!ck in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?”
Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a sl*t from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.”

Joke No 50 : Little Johnny was at school

Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says “Hey what’s all the excitement about”,
Little Billy says “Just showing everyone my new watch”.
Little Johnny goes “Wow, that’s a cool watch where did you get it?”
Little Billy says “Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having s*x over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me sp@nking and sent me to my room”.
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells “I want a watch!”
His dad looks over to Johnny and says “Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!”

Joke No 51 :Woman went to a gynecologist.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexu@l !nterc0urse with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”

Joke No 52 : Doctor visits an Indian tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s*xu@l tension?”
“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.”
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s*x with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks “Are you almost done Doc?”
“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

Joke No 53 : Three nuns

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.
The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.
She said, “I had s*x with a guy.”
The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.
So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.
She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.”
So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water.
So she did.
The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, “I p!ssed in the holy water!”

Joke No 54 : Mom was very upset

Mom was very upset when she found a b0ndage S&M magazine in her son’s room.
She showed it to her husband when he got home.
He handed it back to her without a word.
She asked him, “Well, what do we do about this?”
“Well, whatever you do, don’t sp@nk him.”

Joke No 55 : Kate was standing in the kitchen

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
“Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad,” Kate said.
Paul yells back, “Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so.”
A little while later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”
“Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so,” Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”
Paul quickly replies, “Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so.”
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, “Babe, how did you fix all this.”
She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.”
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.”
He said “I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
Kate looks at him and replies, “Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!”

Joke No 56 : A boss said to his secretary

A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have S*X with you I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undre$$ed himself.”
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, “what happened?”
She responds, “The B@stard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fu*king!”

Joke No 57 : Lap-dancing club

I can’t see the point of going to a lap-dancing club.
If I wanted a woman who would take my money and sexu@lly frustrate me, I would get married.

Joke No 58 : Vacation to a N*de beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a n*de beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says: “Mommy, I saw ladies with b00bies a lot bigger than yours!”
The mom says: “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: “Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says: “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says: “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

Joke No 59 : A man bought a Lie detector

A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
DAD : Son where were you today during school hours?
SON : At school
(robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay I went to the movies!
DAD : Which one?
SON : Harry Potter
(robot slaps Son again!)
Okay I was watching p0rno.
DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know p0rno!
(robot slaps dad)
MUM : hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mum a h0t dirty slap)

Joke No 60 : Cat at School

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?”
Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'”

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