GOSSIP

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Long Johnny’s father says, “We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a $200 bike this year.” Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase….

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there…

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. “There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,” says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad…

A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother. The son then asks the dad,…

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman’s Chest as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says “if your heart is as soft as your chest, I know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replied “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 318.”

A big guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have s=x?” The big guy says, “I just sit there, undressed, on a chair, she sits on top, and then we both hum ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’.”

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, “7 points!”His wife looked at him and said, “What the hell are you doing?”He simply replied, “Just playing bed football.”Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, “Tie game – 7,7.”The husband’s competitive…

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, “Well, that means…” “It’s pasture bedtime!”

I fear I’ve wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me “girls love a cunning linguist”.

The doctor says “What? Why would I do something like that?” The woman says again, “Kiss me now!” The doctor replies, “Certainly not!” The woman demands a third time, “Doctor, I want you to kiss me!” The doctor answers, “No! It’s unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn’t even be having s-x…