“Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny. “It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!” Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what…

A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke…

An elderly texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman seated over there,” indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send…

An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but…

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above…

A cleaning old woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to…

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs Wilson receives…

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an…

She looks at him and says “I want you to know that you’ll be my first and only man.” The redneck quickly re-dresses and angrily grabs his wife and throws her in the truck and drops her off at her parent’s home. A few minutes later his father calls and asks what’s the matter to…

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on.’ She did and said, ‘These…