The teacher asked all the students to write an essay on the subject My Pet. The next day she started checking the homework of everyone. After checking Little Johnny’s essay teacher asked him, “Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister’s.” Did you copy hers? she asked. Johnny replied, “No,…

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.” “Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog. He…

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge… “I should be in charge,” said the brain , “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.” “I should be in charge,” said the blood , “Because I circulate oxygen all…

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. “What kind of car was he driving?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she said. “I never can tell one car from another.” At that, Jim decided the time…

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says, “Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.” His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if…

Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words. She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is “contagious”. Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can…

A married couple were doing their bedtime routine. The man got into the bed and started reading a newspaper, while his wife was standing in front of the mirror, looking at her n@ked body. “Honey, I’m getting old. I have wrinkles in my face, my b**bs are sagging, my thighs are getting big and my…

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket, and asks the…

A man asks his wife, how many times have you cheated on me? His wife answered: 3 times. husband: What? When was the the first time? Do you remember when you were at the beach house with your friend last summer? wife: Yes, I remember. husband: And the second time? wife: That was at the…

Three gay men are at the crematorium. All three are mourning the recent death of their husbands and discussing their plans for scattering the ashes. The first, a pilot, says that he will scatter his husband’s ashes from the sky in the private plane that they built together. The second, a sailor, says that he…