A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. “Mom?” she asks. “How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?” The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the…

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I want a 12-year-old scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.” The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowIs, and says, “Hey bartender! This…

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn’t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would object if we spend the…

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and notices that someone has written the word P*NIS in tiny letters on the blackboard. She scans the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she erases the obscenity and begins class. The next day, the word P*NIS is written on the board again, this time…

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, Honey,…

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain while golfing.” Long “I understand, my son,” the priest says. “I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?” “Well,” the man says, “I hit my drive on…

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who in the hell was that?” “Oh,”…

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs…

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, “Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me.” His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.” They embraced and kissed,…

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an er@ction. The woman notices his er@ction, walks over to him and asks, “did you call for me?” The man, obviously embarrassed, replies, “No, what do you mean?”…